Free to watch · metered by the laugh

You don't pay for jokes.
You pay for laughs.

Ten years of stand-up, remastered from the original tapes. Watching costs nothing. Laughing is measured in hilarity units and billed to your session. You pay only when the product works.

9 master tapes12 bits remastered30 min of comedy2000–2004 vintage0 mentions of Bismarck

The Complete Works

12 titles · 2000–2004 · machine-scored

Pricing

Watching is free and always will be. Laughing is metered. Pricing built on effort collapses the moment the effort disappears — the jokes were written decades ago, the effort is long gone. So we price the only thing left that's real: your reaction. Call it putting my money where your mouth is.

Metered · default
$0.30 / kHU
  • Watching: free. Always.
  • Laughter billed as detected — a typical clip costs $2–$3
  • A complete pass through all 12 titles runs about $38.00
  • Settlement is on the honor system, which we consider generous of us
Subscription · by mail
$189.99 / month
  • Unmetered after approval. Laugh as hard as you like, at no marginal cost
  • We mail you an agreement. You sign it in ink and mail it back.
  • After approval, the detector stays on because we like the data. It simply stops charging you.
  • Best value if you watch the complete catalog five times a month
  • Pays for itself after only 60 clips

Break-even analysis: watch every clip five times in the same month and the subscription pays for itself. We have run this past a finance person, who asked us to stop.

How average laughter cost works

Average laughter cost assumes a viewer with an objectively good sense of humor. Viewers with taste impairment may pay less. This is not a discount; it is a diagnostic result. Pay-per-laugh is fair because we never charge you for comedy you were unable to recognize.

Hilarity consumed · this session0 events
Nothing recorded. Either the material isn't landing or you haven't watched anything yet. We assume the latter, generously.
Amount owed (honor system)$0.00

* One HU is, by definition, the concept of calibrating a hilarity unit. Values are expressed in kHU because 8,720 HU is unwieldy and 8.72 is not. Methodology available on request; it arrives as a 16-stage Python pipeline and you will regret asking. Hilarity is non-refundable. Source: I said so on LinkedIn.

Model card

Published in the interest of transparency, and because every other AI company has one. The figures are real outputs of the evaluation pipeline, which is the least believable thing on this page.

ALLAN WELLS · v2004.1last trained: 13 January 2004
Architecture
One man, one microphone, one stool during the seated portion.
Parameters
~4,200 words of active material. Weights frozen. There will not be a v2.
Training data
22 minutes of proprietary human performance across 9 master tapes, 2000–2004. Fully licensed: the subject consented repeatedly, in public, in front of witnesses who paid a two-drink minimum. No other comedians were scraped.
Training compute
25 years. One human. Unsalaried. Carbon cost expressed primarily in cab fare to the Comic Strip.
Context window
10 minutes, extended to 30 on television. Degrades noticeably once the seated portion begins.
Evaluation
16 bits scored on audience response, material craft and delivery. Best version of each selected across venues, then replicated by a blind judge with all venue and performer metadata redacted. The blind judge confirmed 3 of 3 disputed selections and disagreed on 2 controls, which we have chosen to interpret as rigour.
BitDeliveryMaterialAudience
Magic998223
Harvard987533
Inventions976530
Single Father967248
German Comic947052
The Seated Portion945227
Known limitations
May hallucinate: several of these stories did not occur. Has not met a 2026 audience and would probably not have cared for one. Declines to discuss Otto von Bismarck as a matter of standing policy. Cannot be fine-tuned. Will not be updated. Has been asked to stop.
Roadmap
The observed hilarity slope is positive. Extrapolated to infinity, the act becomes infinitely amusing. Progress toward Artificial General Hilarity: 0.00%, on schedule.
Intended use
Laughing.
Out of scope for this model card
Weddings, corporate events and bookings of any kind. Direct such requests to his agent.